Stop Night Owl Shaming Me
…And other thoughts on how early birds can go to hell
“So what if I’m a night owl?”
I type this at 1:02 am, sitting at my desk with my clothes and apron still on because I was just firing up a cauldron of stew for dinner in the ripe witching hour, when I was struck by an idea.
But it’s long been there… Not the idea. The shame.
Night owl shame — it’s real.
Now I’m not going to sit here and whine to you that I’ve been triggered and oppressed for being a night owl. Instead, I’m going to explain to you why early birds can, quite frankly, go to hell.
See, the part that annoys me most about them is — okay all parts annoy me so let’s make a list. Though I swore I would not be a listicle writer on Medium, there are just so many discombobulated, fire-fuelled thoughts towards these effing birds, that it would be quite dangerous to proceed without a list.
So here we are:
- Early birds lie about not liking to sleep in
That is a downright lie.
Sleeping in is glorious, angel-feather-heaven-brushing-against-your-high-noon-sun-streaming-through-the-curtains cheeks.
To not like that is to be a psychopath.
Period.
2. Early birds believe themselves to be superior to all non-early-birds
So you go to bed at 10 pm, wake up at 5 am to do your Kundalini-yogalini-matcha-medicine-morning practice. Do you want an effing medal for it?
You are not special, early bird. You are inconsequential.
3. Early birds will frequently remind you of the sleep-wake cycle
They looooove to discuss the circadian rhythm sleep-cycle, constantly using a proverbial hot stick of “supposedly” doctor-backed stats to impose their way of life upon you.
Back off early bird. Shoo!
4. Early birds are braggarts of their morning “accomplishments”
“Oh yeah, you know, I only got up at 4 am to mow the lawn while reading Charles Dickens — oh no, no, I didn’t accidentally mow over my toe because I just had the best sleep ever!
— Because I go to bed really early, you know?”
Yeah I know, Ian.
“So yeah, then I just hiked up a mountain and learned Japanese before going out for breakfast with the kids. Oh no, wait, sorry… I actually made breaky myself. Yeah, homemade bagels from scratch — ‘aint no thang!
Day’s still early too, right? Remind me, what exactly did you do this morning…?”
Fuck off Ian.
5. Early birds deny science when it’s convenient for them.
Well they may have circadian rhythm research, but we’ve got something better: brains.
A 2017 study shows a genetic mutation might explain why some people experience delayed sleep and disrupted circadian clocks. As well, credible research published in Psychology Today shows night owls are smarter.
It actually says that.
Night owls couldn’t have existed 10 000 years ago without electricity. So, we have evolved using intelligence to override the ludicrousness of early sleep cycles.
Conclusion
Early bird, you may think your early morning cycle is the key to great success, but let me tell you that you are missing out. You’re missing out on late night sex by candlelight, dancing at hot summer bars till 5am, and pulling all-nighter artsy writing sessions where impassioned ideas come alive; impassioned ideas like telling early birds to go to hell.
